It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
