..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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