someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
