I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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