I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
