i don't like sucking hair
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
