I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
