we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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