No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
