I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
