Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize