I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
