i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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