the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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