Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
