i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
