Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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