How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
