I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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