youre lurking in front of me
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
