you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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