I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
