so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
