so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish you could order shots online.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize