i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize