In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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