Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
