It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
