I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
