I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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