Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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