Your dad touched me again.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
