In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
