Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
