I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
