and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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