So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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