Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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