i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
