Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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