You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
