When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
