so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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