If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
