you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
