I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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