I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
