Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
