oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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