i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
