I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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