How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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