i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Did I show you my penis last night?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
