On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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