Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The uberlube is also flammable
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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