Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Drunk is a universal language darling
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
