That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
