there's paper in my vomit.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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