He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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