Im at strip club and am horny
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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